She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
