My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
