U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
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