Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
