this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
