I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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