She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
