is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I look excited, but its just a facade.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
