She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
