dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
