i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
i came on her dog
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Randomize
