im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Randomize
