Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
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