I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
