Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Randomize
