She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
you didnt know i had herpes?
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
