Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
