Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
