You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
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