How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
