When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
