We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
