Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
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