If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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