you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
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