She said her name was "party"
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Randomize
