She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
