i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I'm both gender and math confused
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
