She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I think your dad took our porno
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
MIDGETS
????
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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