Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
