Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Randomize
