I showed him my bush... on skype.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
