Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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