I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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