I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
