Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
