can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
