I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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