I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up�
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
