hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
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