Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
