So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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