But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
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