im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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