I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Randomize
