Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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