i wish my penis had a tongue
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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