I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
