Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
