she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
