I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
love makes seman taste better
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
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